A Beautiful Disaster

The struggle of being ones self

Ugh. ok. I’ve really got to get better with writing here. (This has been copied from my other Blog)

I’m on week 2 of a leave of absence for mental health. (Apparently its called an LOA, but I just heard that this week.) It’s my first one, and honestly it’s super overwhelming. I’ve only ever taken off for maternity leave and rehab (two years ago). So I guess it’s not even my first one or even my first for mental health (haha!). I guess I consider it the first one, because at my last job I didn’t have to take an LOA to leave for rehab. They were a European company, so their insurance and leave stuff is all different. They let me have off for 6 weeks fully paid. I was institutionalized for 4 of those weeks, so it didn’t feel like much of a break.

I’m getting all this STD (short term disability) paperwork filled out, and phone calls and … all that other stuff.. and its a lot. I get that they need to make sure I’m not trying to scam the system, but its friggin overwhelming trying to do all the disability stuff when you’re already overwhelmed.

I’ve been trying to balance and manage my time. I get bored really easily just sitting around, but sometimes when I’m active, I run myself into the ground, so I have to make sure I don’t do that too.

(Ok, this isn’t even a joke. But I just had to pause for 5 minutes to get a bird out of my room. )

Back to what I was saying. I’ve been on social media a lot. Instagram specifically, but all of it is just SO toxic. I can filter out as much as I can, but I’ve had an Instagram for 10 years. It was curated for me. The old me at least.

I had dinner with my dad and his wife a few weeks ago and, having only known me for 15 years, she said it was like talking to a new person. And I am a new person.

It’s hard though, being new. But I’ve done that all my life.

Over the course of my 38 years trauma has changed who I am as a person, and now, I feel like Im back to the original me. The little girl I used to be is back, but it’s been a shock for everyone. I think even for some of my family.

On social media this last month I have been super outspoken about mental health and neuro-diversities. It was, after all ,Mental Health Awareness month, so it gave me an excuse to be outspoken about it, and even more so than I was before.

I’m a loud person. I always have been and I always will be. It’s who I am. But my whole life Ive been told to be more quiet. And Im tired of being quiet, Im tired of being told how to act, or how to do anything for that matter. (As I was typing that I thought, “This sounds like a personal problem, and I’ll look into it more”, lol) But seriously, I’ve felt like the Little Mermaid who lost her voice, and its hurtful to feel like you can’t be yourself. Especially when the people who are telling you to be quiet, also tell you to be yourself… seems conflicting no?

So… I’ve been bored, and I started cutting up some videos the other day. My sister comments on one and says she loves it, so I’m thinking, “Oh, Ive got a TON of pictures from my last visit to see them, so I’ll put together a video for them.” I tell her and she’s excited about it.

I spent at LEAST 5 hours editing this video. I sent drafts to my sister and asked her what she thought. She didn’t really give me anything. Said it was cute. Whatever. It’s honestly my best “Reel” yet. So this morning I posted it, with a caption, and because it was my video and my page, I should be able to do that right? Her husband liked my video, but she still hasn’t.

You may be thinking, it’s just social media, she’s got other things going on. And that would 100% be true. She’s got kids and a household to run, but also, she’s looked at my story, and all my posts since, and no comment, on a video that I told her I was SO excited about and spent SO much time on. I sent the video to her and her husband and said please share my video. (Because why not get a few likes for all the work I put into the video.) And she’s my SISTER. That fucking hurts. Ok, rant over.

But thats all to say, I feel like I cant get support I need from some people in my family. It’s why Im writing. I’ve been anxious all day. Cried over stupid stuff.

So I’m starting fresh. I changed my name on this page. I don’t know if anyone reads these – I honestly don’t know how blogs or WordPress works. I saw 3 likes on my two WHOLE entries – and its entirely possible I accidentally liked them trying to figure this system out. But, if you’re reading, thats why the name is now different.

Is it weird that I feel more like myself having a different name? I’ve deconstructed so many things in my healing, that I really am an entirely new person, but still the same girl that was intended for this life.

Some people are going to see the change and not get it, or believe it, and that’s ok, they knew a different me, but my circle is definitely changing. I think it’s hard and confusing for some people who knew the past me for so long. It’s been hard and confusing for me too. But finally being ok with who I am, whether people like it or not, is an incredibly freeing feeling, and I don’t want to lose it.

So let me introduce myself. Amania Morgan. Or you can call me Nia. I kind of like the sound of that. Writing as someone else will help me be completely transparent about whats really going on with me, without worrying about what people with think or say about me.

I’m starting a new Instagram page too and I’m only following people that are good for my mental health, and that I know will support me. What’s the point in keeping people around if they cant support you the way you need? I’m not saying I’m cutting my sister off. I love her, and she’s done nothing to deserve that, but it does mean I have to put up a wall. a boundary. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries right? We can love and care for people but not let them hurt us.

But I’m sad that I have to put up walls around family, it makes spending time with them feel like work. and I don’t think it should be like that. I feel like I have to watch what I say or what I do, because if I have an opinion that they don’t agree with I’m automatically wrong. I’ve spent my whole life being “appropriate” and not offending anyone. But if you’re friends with everyone, you’re friends with no one. Thats the phrase right? Or something about not having a spine? (haha.) Thats probably WAY off, but you get the point. If you spend all your time trying to make everyone else happy, you’re not going to make yourself happy. I’m done being miserable because I don’t do something the way someone wants me to, or they way they would do it. If they cant understand a different perspective, that their close-mindedness.

Ok, I just had a conversation with Mom that I want to write down, but its a different subject so I need to wrap this up.

This is the new me, and I’m excited about her. I just need to keep reminding myself that there will be people who wont like me, and thats ok, but I don’t need to surround myself with them or compromise who I am for them.

NIA❤︎✌︎

My First Journal Entry

June 13, 1994

I had just turned 9 (my previous memory thought it was 7). My mom home schooled us for a while. She was the one who encouraged my writing. It was part of our curriculum, but I’m glad I’ve held onto a passion for it. I have a compilation of 5 journals that I’ve filled these last 30 years. It’s wild.

Last night I intended to color to calm my mind before bed. Just so happens my journals were in the same moving box. I pulled them out instead because I had been meaning to look through them again with a new perspective.

My daughter came down a few minutes later and we spent about 30 minutes reading through random entries from 10-14 years old. We laughed the WHOLE time. Even the part where I found my dead cat 😬😂

I think it’s good for her to hear that her teen life struggles are not unique to her. We all struggle with self confidence at that age, and figuring who we are in this big world is hard with the standards everyone sets for us.

I like to encourage her to be herself, not to doubt her intuition, and to feel her feelings. I have promoted honesty without judgement so we have open doors of communication. I tell her when she’s right but also when she’s wrong. Parenting is hard, and there are “instruction manuals,” but I think the best way to parent is helping them stay in tune with their emotions. The rest will come.

I don’t want to be a part of the social agenda. It felt too suffocating for me to live up to SO many standards, and now that I’ve released that need in adulthood it is SOO freeing.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself. The ones that matter won’t care, and the ones that care DON’T MATTER. 💚

Last Nights Manic Insomnia

Note: I have not read or edited this before posting, nor will I edit it after. And I wont read it before I post, for fear of my perfectionism taking over – editing spelling, grammar and format and tarnishing it’s inauthenticity. (As Im typing this, I am practicing huge restraint to not look down and scan it.) I wrote this in my notes at 3 am because my brain was spinning and I felt I wouldn’t be able to until I wrote my thoughts down. This is a completely real thought process, and I fell asleep shortly after. 😌

Ok. Zeus woke me up. I opened my eyes with his body at my head meowing. I got up and got him food and went to the bathroom quick so I could fall back asleep. But I’m manic. I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. My mind is racing. I keep praying to God for calmness and he gives it to me. Not in my head, cause that’s obviously awake. But in my heart. I can feel where I should have anxiety. About an unknown future. Am I going to life a full life. What is a full life? It’s different for everyone. Will my life end soon, or when I’m old. Will my daughter die before me? I don’t want her to. Obviously. But this calmness I feel when I reach out to God makes me feel like I can handle anything. Part of my brain tells me that’s my mania and inflated ego. The other part tells me, yes, you are manic, but it doesn’t mean these thoughts aren’t accurate. How do you feel? Check in with your body. Chest is a bit tight. I have lots of energy. I could probably wake up now even though I’ve only been asleep two hours. But my body needs rest. My mind wouldn’t stop spinning and I prayed. I asked for peace. I told God I would let him control my life. It gives me so much anxiety, but I know now I haven’t done any of this on my own. Anytime I try to do things for my OWN reasoning, my OWN ego, I get anxious and scared. When I let go and give it to God. I feel better. I wanted to sleep but he told me to write. Hopefully now I can sleep.

My sheets smell really good. Remember in the morning to ask mom what detergent this is. I wanna keep using this combo. It makes me happy.

His plan, not mine. His plan, not mine. If I give him the power and him the recognition of my healing, he will take care of the rest. Remind yourself. His plan, not mine.

People are going to judge you no matter what you do. You might as well be hated for being good, than liked for being bad. Don’t let the bad forces win. There are good people who do bad things and bad people who do good things. Stand up for what you believe in. This is where the freedom lies. Faith in God to carry you through.

I don’t want this to ever be seen as anything but my story. Don’t say this specific thing caused me to be this and that. I am what I am. An all powerful creator created me for a reason. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Again… people are gonna judge you and hate you (yes, it’s extreme, but it’s true) no matter what you do. So you might as well just be yourself.

Anything in this life can change in a literal heartbeat. I KNOW. Why spend it worrying about what’s going to happen next, when, in each moment There are a billion different possibilities of opportunity. Every second on earth, a persons life changes. Life, death, birth, sickness… whatever it is, each moment on earth, someone’s life is changed. And it’s all based on the moment before it, but does not predict a second after it, because it’s constantly changing. Wild isn’t it, all the possibilities on this planet, and they have somehow relied on each other to happen.. but somehow, at the same time, have no impact on each other… how can you tell me THAT doesn’t explain a God… an all powerful being that could change the course of the world in one second, and he does…but he doesn’t at the same time. 🤯 it’s like thinking about infinity… maybe that will help me sleep…

I’m either incredibly insane or incredibly free. I think I’ve already confirmed the high possibility of the first one, so I might as well be the second one too. Haha

#enlightened

I’m always trying to get ahead of myself. I need to just say behind God and stop acting like I run the show. 😂😂 #stayhumble!